My Dinner With Onslow
by Red Witch
Summary: An insane Keeping Up Appearances Fic that ran through my head. Hyacinth's candlelight supper is threatened when her family shows up.


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Disclaimer: I do not own Keeping Up Appearances. I wish I did, I miss that show! I guess I'll just have to settle for what I make up in my insane mind. I worked hard on this one. It wasn't easy! Please review!

**My Dinner With Onslow**

"I don't wanna go! I don't wanna! Don't wanna!"

"Emmett stop that!" Elizabeth hissed. "People are staring at us!" 

"I don't care!" Emmett moaned. "Maybe word of this will get back to Hyacinth the Horrible and we won't have to go to another one of her ghastly candlelight suppers!"

"Emmett, we're stuck with it!" Elizabeth reprimanded. "Face it. We were invited and we have to go through with it. Suck it up! Take it like a man!" 

"I don't wanna!" Emmett jumped up and down. "I don't wanna!"

Elizabeth smacked her brother on the head. "Pipe down! Now if you don't behave yourself you won't get any sweets!"

"Why does she always invite us?" Emmett moaned. "If only there was something we could do to make it less of a torture for us."

"Look tonight is very important to her," Elizabeth inspected the lettuce. They were doing the weekly grocery shopping. "She's invited the Vicar and his wife and Mrs. Harbringer." 

"Who the devil is Mrs. Harbringer?"

"She's the current president of the Church's Ladies League. I told you about her."

"Oh yes, I remember. The one with the husband that has an uncanny resemblance to Herman Munster."

"That's them. He's coming too. So you won't be alone. In fact, Hyacinth suggested we even bring a few other couples to make it a more special occasion."

"Well good luck with that. Who the devil would be stupid enough to go to one of Hyacinth's candlelight suppers? In fact, there's no one I can even think of that deserves to go."

"Hey Emmett, Elizabeth! How's tricks!" A familiar voice spoke out. 

Onslow and Daisy pushed their shopping cart up to them. "Well hello you two," Elizabeth said. "What's new?"

"Nothing much," Daisy said. "We're just doing some shopping."

"So are we," Elizabeth nodded.

"Nothing major," Onslow said. "Just getting the essentials. We're all out of beer and crisps."

An idea struck Emmett. "Say, what are you folks doing tonight?"

"Emmett!" Elizabeth was stunned.

"Nothing much why?" Daisy asked.

"Well Hyacinth has another of her candlelight suppers tonight and we were told to bring some more guests," Emmett explained. 

"I don't think Hyacinth would like that," Daisy said. "She didn't invite us."

"Well I'm inviting you," Emmett said. "Oh please come, it would mean so much to us!"

"All right, we'll come!" Onslow said.

"You will?" Emmett asked happily.

"We will?" Daisy asked. "Why do you want to go?"

"I don't really want to go," Onslow admitted. "But Dicky and Emmett here are going to need all the support they can get if they are gonna make it through another one of your Hyacinth's candlelight suppers. Not to mention any other poor soul trapped there. Besides, it will give us something to do with your Rose and her latest conquest."

"Oh Rose is back from America?" Elizabeth asked.

"Yeah and she brought back her boyfriend," Onslow told her.

"Is that the gangster from New York?" Elizabeth asked.

"No she dropped him," Daisy explained. "This one's a cowboy. From Texas, wherever that is."

"It's a state," Onslow explained. "One of fifty. Which means your Rose has about forty-eight to go."

"What about Father?" Daisy asked. 

"We'll get her in from next door to watch him. Daisy you're always complaining about getting out of the house and not getting dressed up well here's your chance," Onslow told her. "Besides, the one thing I will admit about your Hyacinth is that she does do a decent layout with the grub."

"Hyacinth was always good at cooking," Daisy admitted. "Even as a child when we were all making mud pies, she was making sand wedding cakes. Said they had more class. All right then, we'll see you tonight. A bit before 6?"

"Yes," Emmett nodded. "We'll meet at our house. You can park the car there. I want this to be a surprise. I can't wait to see her face when she realizes that you are coming."

"All right then, but fair warning," Onslow said. "Rose's gentleman friend is a real nutter."

"Oh that's all right," Emmett smiled. "It will liven up the party!" 

"Well, see you folks tonight," Daisy waved as they moved on.

Elizabeth and Emmett exchanged looks. "That was wicked!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

"I know," Emmett smiled.

"She's not going to like it."

"I know."

"In fact, this may prevent you from ever being invited to any more of her candlelight suppers ever again."

"I know," Emmett giggled. "Oh this is going to be lots of fun!"

"Yes," Elizabeth giggled back. "For once I am looking forward to a Hyacinth candlelight supper."

"The Bouquet Residence the lady of the house speaking," Hyacinth purred into her white slim line telephone. Her eyes lit up when she heard the voice. "Sheridan! How are you dear? How wonderful for you to call me today! Especially on such an important day! Today I am giving one of my famous candlelight suppers. But not just any candlelight supper. This promises to be one of my most triumphant nights ever."

"What's so special? Well tonight your mummy is going to be named the new president of the Ladies' Church Auxiliary League. Sheridan, that's not funny. Mr. Harbringer does not look like Frankenstein. Although I do admit I am hesitant when he's around small children. Well it's not official yet dear. No this dinner will be the icing on the cake. You see according to tradition the outgoing president names her successor at the end of her term and since the last meeting is tomorrow, well…Well what a thing to say Sheridan of course she wants me to do it. She just hasn't had the opportunity to bring it up. I don't know why she hasn't said anything before. I have been by her side practically every hour of the day for the past two weeks and have spent countless hours of conversation with her. I suppose she's just waiting for an occasion glittering enough to do so. Hmmm? Well, I suppose if I am going to be president that does mean you can get an increase in your allowance."

"NO!" Richard shouted from the next room. "Hyacinth no!"

"Oh that's just Daddy Sheridan, pay him no mind," Hyacinth continued. "You need how much? Oh well I'm sure we can swing that."

"No we can't!" Richard came out. "Whatever it is we can't!"

"Richard! Get back in the kitchen! " Hyacinth admonished. "Ignore Daddy. Now how are you doing at University? Oh. You've just decided to add a new minor. We'll that is good. I rather think if needlepoint is your major it does limit the choices one has for executive positions. What is it? Dancing! Oh Sheridan I'm so proud of you! I always knew you were destined for something in the arts. What kind of dancing dear? Ballet? Oh, Country Line dancing."

There was a crash in the kitchen. "I've got to go Sheridan," Hyacinth said. "Your father obviously needs me. Good bye! What? Yes I will send a check first thing in the morning dear. Good bye." 

"Hyacinth," Richard came out of the kitchen to talk to her. "We really need to have a talk about Sheridan."

"Richard as much as I love to talk about Sheridan we haven't time now!" She said frantically making preparations. "This is going to be a memorable night!"

"Your candlelight suppers usually are," Richard rolled his eyes. 

"First cocktails with a bit of musical entertainment to get things going," She went over the iternerary in her mind. "Then supper itself and dessert. That will be the crowing moment when my presidency will be announced! What a night it will be!"

"So aside from Emmett and Elizabeth who else will witness this gala event?" Richard asked. "Are Violet and Bruce coming?"

"As a matter of fact they are. I thought it appropriate that at least one member of the family should witness my triumph. And Emmett promised me he'd bring a couple of guests. Probably from his operatic society. Oh I can hardly wait to show them my musical talents. I wonder if I will have time to star in Emmett's productions as well as my duties in office?"

"Hyacinth you shouldn't put the cart before the horse," Richard said. "For all you know Mrs. Harbringer may have someone different in mind." 

The phone rang. Hyacinth answered it. "The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking. Oh it's you Violet. What time are you coming? You're not? Why? You and Bruce have been arguing again? What happened this time? Well Violet I don't understand. Just because Bruce didn't like you wearing a certain red dress is no reason to have a fight. It is when he wants to wear it himself…Oh …Well I can see your point. Yes Violet in this instance I agree that you had to put your foot down. Now you know me, I'm not one of those bossy housewives that controls everything her husband does. Yes I do believe a man should wear the pants in the household. In Bruce's case I strongly encourage it. But sometimes a woman has to stand up for herself. And…Richard why are you looking at me so strangely? Go polish something! Where was I? Well, yes. It's all right Violet; you can still come if you want. Oh, you made other plans? Where are you going dear? A male strip club? Violet? Violet! Hello? Hello?"

"I take it something went wrong in paradise?" Richard snipped. 

"Oh I hate it when Bruce goes funny!" Hyacinth fumed. "It's so inconvenient! Oh now there will be two extra places. What other catastrophes could possibly befall me this evening?"

CRRACK-BOOM!

Hyacinth flinched when she heard the sound of a very familiar car backfiring. "Oh no," She moaned. "I didn't hear that. Richard tell me I didn't hear what I think I've just heard!"

"It's Onslow all right," Richard peeked out the living room window. 

"I told you not to tell me!" She wailed. "Oh why oh why am I cursed with a brother in law whose idea of fine dining is using a paper napkin?" 

"Wait a minute, they're not coming here at all," Richard informed her. "They're going next door. Why are they going round to Elizabeth's?"

"Who cares as long as they don't turn up here!" Hyacinth said. "They're my family, I love them. But they are not of the candlelight supper class!"

"But why would they go to Elizabeth's of all places?"

"I don't know! Wait! Of course! My birthday is coming up. They must be going over there to ask what Elizabeth and Emmett are getting me so that they don't get the same thing!" Hyacinth said. "That must be it! What a relief."

"Are you sure?" Richard asked.

"Well what else could it be?" Hyacinth asked. The doorbell rang. "Oh get that will you Richard?" 

Richard sighed and answered the door. At the door was a dignified lady with a husband with a very tall man. He reminded Richard of Herman Munster.

"Good evening," Mrs. Harbringer smiled.

"Good evening," Richard replied putting his game face on.

"I hope we're not too early," Mrs. Harbringer said. 

"Not at all," Hyacinth smiled sweetly. "And this must be your husband, Herman."

"Herbert," He corrected. 

"Oh yes," The doorbell rang again. "That will be our other guests."

"Greetings Elizabeth and Emmett and …Onslow?!" Hyacinth gasped in shock. "Daisy? Rose? And…. A cowboy?"

" This is my new fiancée," Rose spoke up. She was wearing a red and black outfit with a very short skirt. "This is Tex Randall. He's from America! Tex, this is my other sister, Hyacinth."

A tall man dressed in a black outfit that resembled a cowboy outfit complete with a ten-gallon hat was on Rose's arm. "Howdy!" He tipped his hat. 

"Hello…" Hyacinth replied in a dazed voice.

Emmett said with a malicious smile. "We've invited your sisters! We thought it would be a fun surprise!"

"Surprise," Daisy said weakly. Hyacinth's face looked like it was going to self-destruct with shock.

"You did say bring a guest or two. Well I thought what is the good of a special occasion without one's family?" Emmett smirked. 

"Funny I was thinking the same thing earlier on," Hyacinth said. "Almost. Wait a minute, if you're all here, who's looking after Daddy?"

"One of our neighbors," Rose explained. "As long as he remembers to take his medication it will be fine."

"How fortuitous," Hyacinth smiled weakly. 

"See, I told you she'd be delighted to have all of you at her supper!" Emmett found it hard to keep the laughter out of his voice.

"Words…can't express how I feel at the moment," Hyacinth said. "Come in…please…do wipe your feet."

"Thank you kindly ma'am," Tex said. "So you're the famous Hyacinth? Well you're just as pretty as my little English Rose!"

"Oh Tex," Rose twittered. 

"Oh brother," Onslow rolled his eyes. 

"Hyacinth…"Richard came out and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Richard," Hyacinth found her voice. "Guess who's come to dinner?"

"Hey there Dickie!" Onslow said cheerfully. He was wearing a bright blue tuxedo. "I brought a six pack to show my appreciation."

"Oh how thoughtful," Hyacinth blinked rapidly. 

"Oh hello Mrs. Harbringer," Emmett waved. Hyacinth shot him a look that could wither plants.

"Elizabeth!" Mrs. Harbringer took Elizabeth's hand warmly. "How good it is to see you again!"

"Celia how good to see you!" Elizabeth smiled. "You know my brother, Emmett."

"Charmed I'm sure," Emmett smiled. "And this is your husband?"

"Yes," Mrs. Harbringer. "This is your family Mrs. Bucket?"

"It's Bouquet. Yes well these are…" Hyacinth was about to introduce her family.

"Hermie?" Rose squeaked in surprise.

"Rose?" Mr. Harbringer turned red with embarrassment. 

"Oh why am I not surprised," Hyacinth said under her breath.

"Rose?" Tex asked. 

"Herbert do you know this woman?" Mrs. Harbringer asked.

"Who doesn't know our Rose?" Onslow groaned. "Ow!" He protested when Daisy elbowed him in the ribs. 

"Onslow!" Daisy warned. 

"Rose…" Mr. Harbringer spoke nervously.

"Hermie…" Rose said.

"Hermie?" Tex asked. 

"Hermie?" Mrs. Harbringer looked at her husband. 

"Celia…" Mr. Harbringer said in an apologetic voice.

"Rose...?" Tex asked in an annoyed voice.

"Tex!" Rose answered playfully.

"Tex?" Mr. Harbringer said a little warily.

"Hemie," Tex sized up Mr. Harbringer.

"Rose!" Daisy glared at Rose.

"Daisy," Rose defended herself. 

"Tex," Mr. Harbringer stared down Tex.

"Hermie," Tex stared back.

"Tex!" Rose tugged on Tex's arm.

"Herbert!" Mrs. Harbringer said sharply.

"Celia…" Mr. Harbringer blushed apologetically.

"Celia?" Rose asked.

"Rose," Mrs. Harbringer glared at Rose. 

"Well now that all the introductions are out of the way let's go to the dining room!" Hyacinth came between them. "Since it's quite late let's not waste any time shall we?"

"Great," Onslow snickered as he saw the looks between Tex and Mr. Harbringer. "Dinner and a show."

"No cocktails?" Richard asked.

"I think under the circumstances cocktails will be more appropriate later," She replied. "Much later."

The doorbell rang again. "Richard will you get that while I seat everyone?" Hyacinth ushered her guests into the dining room. Richard answered the door. To his shock there was a man dressed in a red evening gown wearing a red wig.

"Bruce?" Richard asked.

"Hello Richard," Bruce smiled. "Violet and I had a tiff so I came stag. What's wrong? Does my dress make me look fat?"

"Oh no," Richard replied. "Hyacinth…"

"Richard I'm busy here!"

"I think you'd better come to the door. We have another guest."

"Another guest? Oh Violet must have come after all! You'll love my sister Violet. She has…"

"A swimming pool and room for a pony," Everyone in the room said. 

"Oh I've told you about her." Hyacinth said, slightly disappointed. "Show her in Richard!"

"Uh Hyacinth…" Richard began. Bruce brushed past him. 

Bruce entered the darkened room. "Hello Hyacinth."

Hyacinth's face fell. "Hello…Mrs. Harbringer I want you to meet…my sister Violet!"

"Violet?" Onslow blanched.

"Violet?" Bruce said. "I'm…"

"Thrilled to be here," Hyacinth finished. "Even though her husband has been delayed on a business trip. Will you excuse us please?" she ushered Bruce away into the next room. 

"It must be the lighting," Tex whispered to Rose. "But it looks like your sister needs a shave."

"Now you listen to me," She hissed under her breath. "I don't know why you bothered to show your face around here and frankly I don't care. But you have two choices: You either leave or you play along and leave early." 

"And if I don't?" Bruce asked.

"Then I go on the phone to my sister and recommend a good divorce attorney!"

Bruce thought a moment. Then he breezed back in the room. "Hello I'm Hyacinth's sister Violet!" He spoke in a high pitched voice. "Lovely to meet you!" 

"Oh lord Hyacinth…" Richard muttered under his breath. 

"I'm glad I didn't miss this," Onslow snickered. "Ow! Daisy!"

"Whoa," Tex fumbled with his napkin as they sat down at the dinner table. "There are more candles here than at the Sistine Chapel!"

"Hyacinth," Richard whispered in Hyacinth's ear. "Are you sure you know what you're doing? What if the real Violet turns up?"

"Something tells me she'll be…preoccupied," Hyacinth whispered back. "Just play along! Please!" 

"It seems like I'm always playing along," Richard grumbled. 

"Would anybody like some wine?" Hyacinth asked her guests as she started handing them a glass each before they could answer. "I found this exquisite little vintage at an estate sale. It was worth a pretty penny I assure you."

"That was all it was worth," Onslow told her. "They were practically giving them away."

Hyacinth elbowed Onslow in the head as she passed by giving out the glasses. "Oops! Sorry! Accidents will happen."

"I'm not surprised seeing how dark this room is," Tex looked around. "It's darker than a black cat at midnight."

"No offense Hyacinth, but I think I'll stick to beer," Onslow took out one of the six pack he brought.

"You're not gonna drink it from the can are you," Daisy asked.

"Of course not," Onslow huffed. "That would be uncouth. I'll have a glass."

"Here," Hyacinth gave him an empty one to pour his beer into, amazed that he actually knew the word uncouth. _Well then again I shouldn't be,_ she thought to herself. _Onslow is the perfect specimen for being uncouth if there ever was one! Or should that be uncouthness? I really wish I hadn't misplaced Sheridan's grammar book. _"Well, that just leaves more of this wonderful wine for the rest of us!" _Those of us with that have taste buds that can sense more than the flavor of crisps!_

"Sorry Hy," Tex drawled. "I'm not much of a wine person. Give me a beer any day!"

"Here Tex," Onslow tossed him one of his beers. "Have one on me!" 

"Thank you kindly!" Tex poured the beer into the glass. "You got any ice to cool this down Hy?" 

"Ice? For beer?" Daisy asked.

"He's American Daisy," Onslow explained. "They drink it cold over there."

"Yes I always find other cultures fascinating. Don't you?" Hyacinth tried to change the conversation. 

"I'll have a beer too!" 'Violet' said. 

"Okay…Violet," Onslow complied with the request. "Anybody else?" 

"I think I'll just sample some of Mr. Randall's wine thank you," Mr. Harbringer said.

"Bet that's not the only thing of Tex's you've sampled eh?" Onslow laughed. 

"Shut your face Onslow!" Rose turned red.

"Oh that reminds me," Hyacinth quickly made another attempt to change the direction of the conversation. "Did anyone see that lovely fashion show the other night at the Regency Hotel?"

"No I didn't," Mrs. Harbringer said. 

"I did!" 'Violet' chirped. "They had such lovely outfits! Not like those cheap tawdry things you normally see on the fashion channel! Oh I so want those!"

"Women's fashion isn't my cup of tea," Onslow said. "If I want to look at cheap and tawdry outfits all I have to do is look at our Rose."

"I don't think any type of fashion is your cup of tea," Rose snapped. 

"My Onslow is a trendsetter," Daisy huffed. "He doesn't follow the fickle whims and fashions of the day! He has a style all his own!"

"Took the words right out of my mouth," Hyacinth muttered to herself as she sipped some of the wine. 

"It's not like I don't have any clothes," Onslow puffed. "I just don't believe in wearing anything fancy unless it's a special occasion. I'm not a showoff. In fact, if I do say so myself, I can be quite smashing when the occasion rises."

"Well if that's the case Onslow why didn't you wear what you wore during the QE2 voyage?" Hyacinth asked. "Don't tell me you got rid of it."

"Of course I still have it! But that was a couple of years ago," Onslow said. "I didn't want to look out of date. You have to keep up with the times."

"Onslow's always been very fashion conscious!" Daisy remarked. 

"Yes he never wears any T-shirt that has a stain older than a year," Rose quipped.

"I think now is a good time for our salad course!" Hyacinth spoke up. "Richard…"

"I know," Richard rolled his eyes and went to get the salad. 

Later after the main course….

"Well I think it's going rather well," Hyacinth said to Richard cheerfully as they prepared the dessert in the kitchen together. 

"Which dinner party are you at?" Richard asked. "I'm just curious."

"I admit it was a little rocky at first, but now things have settled down," Hyacinth said smoothly. 

"Hyacinth," Richard spoke. "Mr. Harbringer and Tex have been glaring at each other all night like its going to be a showdown at the OK Corral. Daisy is getting sloshed on that wine you keep pouring out. Bruce is camping it up like he's the star at the Copa Cabana."

"But they don't know he's not Violet that's the important thing!" Hyacinth said. 

"Two reasons: the lighting or should I say lack of it and the fact that he looks better in that dress than your sister!"

"He does…well actually you're right. He does look better in it than Violet. Maybe I can get her into an excise program. We could go together. As president I should be running in more influential circles."

"Oh you're still not holding on to that fantasy are you?" Richard groaned.

"Don't be so pessimistic! I'm pulling this off beautifully in spite of Onslow."

"Onslow is the only reason your party isn't a total disaster by now!" Richard told her. "Who knew that he and Mrs. Harbringer were such fans of Open University?"

"I can't believe Onslow has been monopolizing the conversation all evening," Hyacinth fumed.

"Well that's because he has more in common with her than you do," Richard explained.

"Mrs. Harbringer and Onslow? That's like saying Alexis Carrington has a lot in common with Fred Sanford! It's preposterous! Why would a woman of Mrs. Harbringer's class and background prefer Onslow to me?"

"Well if it's a good thing he has been talking to her because if he didn't she would have noticed that Rose has been playing footsie with her husband!"

"How do you know that?"

"I saw the look on his face. And so did Tex. And I think Mrs. Harbringer is catching on!"

"Well then let's just get this over with!" She motioned for Richard to wheel out the dessert cart. "The sooner she announces my appointment the better!" 

"And that's when we discovered our dog didn't have fleas," Onslow continued. "What she had was…"

"Here we are!" Hyacinth's voice rang out. "Lovely strawberry cream cake!"

"Oh none for me," 'Violet' spoke up. "I'm on a diet. All my clothes are getting so tight I can hardly fit in them!"

"That's why he's wearing Violet's" Daisy snickered in Onslow's ear. 

"Daisy don't you think you've had enough dear?" Hyacinth said in a disapproving voice as she poured herself another drink. 

"Nope," Daisy smiled and had another sip.

"I love strawberries and whipped cream," Rose said.

"I know," Both Tex and Mr. Harbinger said at the exact same time. They glared at each other. 

The doorbell rang. Hyacinth had a sinking feeling. "Um…I'll get the door, don't get up!" She left the dining room gracefully and ran to the door the second she was sure she wasn't being observed. Violet was standing there, drunk, with her arm around a shirtless young dancer.

"Hello Hyacinth," She slurred. "I wanna talk to Bruce."

"Wait right there!" She slammed the door in her face and then went back to the dining room. "Violet," She called out sweetly. "It's your hubby. He wants to talk to you."

"Well I don't want to talk to him!" the pseudo-Violet pouted. "I'm having a good time right here!"

"It's about your lawyer…"

"Well I must dash," Bruce got up. "You know what husbands are like!"

"She ought to know that better than anyone!" Mrs. Harbringer glared at Rose.

"Goodbye, such a wonderful evening," Bruce waved. As soon as they were out of sight, Hyacinth twisted his arm around his back and rushed him to the door. "Here! Sorry you can't stay!" she shoved him out the door onto the two waiting people with such force that they collapsed. She locked the door and casually went back into the dining room.

"Well I'm so sorry Violet had to go," She purred as if nothing had happened. "But her husband decided to take her out dancing at a very exclusive club to make up for the fact that he was so late for dinner. How considerate. Aren't they a lovely pair?"

"Stop tearing my dress off!" Bruce's voice penetrated the house.

"They're a very affectionate couple," Hyacinth covered. "Would anyone like some more coffee. I know you would Daisy."

"Oh there you go again," Daisy slurred. "Always telling people what to do. 'Daisy stop Father from chasing the mail lady.' 'Rose stop chasing the Vicar.' 'Put a shirt on Onslow.' Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag…"

"Mrs. Harbringer! You haven't seen my figurines have you?" Hyacinth shot out of her chair and yanked Elizabeth out of her seat. "Elizabeth why don't you show her my figurines? You know where the parlor is." She then took Mrs. Harbringer out of her seat.

"I don't want to look at figurines," Mrs. Harbringer said.

"Excellent, off you go!" She shoved them in the direction of the parlor. "Take your time!"

"Come on Celia," Elizabeth said. "Might as well get it over with." 

They went in. Hyacinth breathed a little sigh before going back to the dining room. 

"You take your hands off my Rose!" Mr. Harbringer snapped.

"Your Rose? She's mine now Frankenstein!" Tex snapped back.

"Will you two stop making a scene!" Rose hissed. 

"Come on Daisy," Onslow was taking Daisy by the hand and getting her up. "I'll take you into the kitchen for some more coffee."

"I don't want any coffee," She pouted. "You're starting to sound like my bossy sister."

"I am not bossy!" Hyacinth felt offended. She didn't notice Rose and Emmett leaving the room. Neither did anyone else. 

"You are too bossy!" Daisy poked at her. "Ever since we were little you were always Little Miss Bossy Britches! Well I'm gonna tell you off once and for all Hyacinth because I'm probably never gonna get smashed enough again to do so!"

"Okay Onslow I think I'd better help you," Richard took Daisy by one arm while Onslow took her by the other. "Okay Daisy time to take a little walk."

"Why don't you crawl back in your hole you rattlesnake?" Tex snarled.

"Why don't you go back to the Alamo cowboy?" Mr. Harbringer snarled back. 

"I'd like to see you try!" Tex stood up and threw his napkin down.

"Bring it on," Mr. Harbringer stood up. "Let's do this outside like gentlemen, not that you'd know what that is!"

"Fine by me!" Tex threw down his hat. "Lead the way!"

"Where are they going?" Mrs. Harbringer came out of the parlor with Elizabeth. She watched puzzled as her husband went out to the back yard with Tex.

"Elizabeth, show Mrs. Harbringer my kitchen, won't you," She shoved them inside.

"Elizabeth, how do you stand living next door to her?" Mrs. Harbringer asked.

Hyacinths peered at the door and saw Tex and Mr. Harbringer duking it out in the flowerbed. "Oh not my prize petunias! Richard! Where are you? Rose?" 

She went inside and frantically looked around. She went into the parlor. She saw that Daisy was lounging around the couch with a bottle in one hand. Onslow was sitting next to Richard.

"We could only get her as far as here," Richard explained. "Somehow she snuck a bottle in and…"

"Never mind that! Where's Rose?" Hyacinth asked. "She has to put a stop to her two boyfriends fighting out there!" 

"Wasn't she with you?" Richard asked. 

"She's gone! I don't know where she is!" Hyacinth fumed. 

"I know where she is. In there," Daisy pointed to a closet as she sipped her wine. 

Hyacinth opened it and found Rose and Emmett kissing. "Hyacinth!" She squealed. 

Hyacinth yanked Rose out of the closet and slammed the door on Emmett. "Rose you go out there and stop Mr. Harbringer and the Lone Ranger from fighting!" She ordered. "And be quick about it!" 

"Oh let them duke it out," Onslow came out in the hall. "Let them get it out of their system."

"I've gone off both of them anyway," Rose smiled. "I've just realized how much I missed Emmett!" 

"Well you'd better tell that to those two knuckleheads outside!" Onslow told her. 

"You're right!" She went out. 

"I told you tonight would be a disaster but you wouldn't listen!" Richard said. 

"Mrs. Bucket!" Mrs. Harbringer came in with Elizabeth. "Where's my husband?"

"Um…" She fumbled. "He and Tex are outside admiring my garden. Why don't we sit in here?"

The telephone rang. "I'll get that," Richard sighed as he left the room.

"Now then," Hyacinth said happily. "Why don't you and I talk about my qualifications for the presidency of the Ladies' League?"

"That won't be necessary! I have made my decision Mrs. Bucket!" Mrs. Harbringer said sternly.

"It's Bouquet," Hyacinth said sweetly. "If I am taking over the position you really should learn to pronounce my name."

"Well that's not going to be a problem," Mrs. Harbringer informed her. "Because you're not. I'm giving it to Elizabeth!"

"Me?" Elizabeth squeaked.

"Her?" Hyacinth squawked.

"Yes," Mrs. Harbringer took Elizabeth's hand. "I cannot think of anyone more patient and deserving a person to have this honor."

****

"Oh I don't know what to say!" Elizabeth was overjoyed. "Thank you!" 

"Way to go Liz!" Onslow congratulated her.

"I'll drink to that!" Daisy took a swig from the bottle. 

"But Mrs. Harbringer do you really think that's wise?" Hyacinth stuttered. "I mean Elizabeth may be deserving but my family has connections! Well I mean, all right my sisters are a bit eccentric but you will never find a more decent family than mine!"

"Hyacinth," Richard appeared with the phone. "It's your father. The police are detaining him for running around naked in the street again."

"Oh god…" Hyacinth closed her eyes. "Onslow…is there anything left of that six pack you brought? I need a drink."

****


End file.
